Paint Heroes: an Unpaletteable Game

From Original Poster Studios, a new action-adventure game awaits! Paint Heroes is the first installment of a 16-episode series of games to be launched over several decades in which you guide the protagonist, Terribly-Drawn-Guy-With-Beard-And-Horns, on his quest to mark buildings to be destroyed by the Department of Everything Destroyed, or DED for short. Using his trusty Multi-Splatter Paint gun, or MS Paint for short, Terribly-Drawn-Guy-With-Beard-And-Horns must travel into the rural sprawl looking for new houses to be painted for the DED. Defend yourself from the Big Oversized Super Something, who will try to catch you in his Cyan Beam of Squiggly Jitteriness, which will cause you to lose heart in your endeavor, somehow.

Also, you shouldn't touch the houses. They also cause you to lose heart in your endeavor. You know, because they might be orphanages you're marking to destroy. I couldn't tell if it was a house or a buck-toothed alien, and the consensus seems to be it's a building, so I'll go with that.

Master the controls, either by using the traditional WASD for movement, or the optional arrow keys, if you swing that way. You can fire the MS Paint gun with the spacebar, or you can employ a secret technique that will double your firepower. Can you unlock the MS Paint's full power?

Watch out for our Kickstarter campaign, as we plan to add features as we meet milestones! At $20, the game resolution will be bumped up to 720P and we'll be able to hire /u/Crapautard to provide us with new HD graphics! At $40, we'll add boss bar and death animations! At $60, we'll be able to buy a cheap dollar store toy piano and provide both sounds and music to the game! (and pay the internet bill with the rest.) At $100, we'll go buy pizza and beer and be able to add "successful game developer" to our resumes! And also, a second playable character or something.

"This game has serious potential." - /u/sanyc, Reddit.

"I R8 8/8" - /u/Advorange, Reddit.

"Easily the game of the generation 11/10" - /u/Washuchan73

"Wow, this game is amazing. 11/10" - /u/GoldenRedditUser

"10/10. 100/100. Best game. Best game." - /u/off-and-on

"This game changed my life. 10/10 would play again." - /u/TheBeeSoverign

"Can I just pay a dollar to win?" - /u/SilentAsTheGrave

By now you're wondering if this is some sort of elaborate joke. And in a way, it is. Redditor GoldenRedditUser (Which is a good thing he's a redditor, I guess, or else that name would have been a terrible choice) posted a satire GIF of Early Access-type games, which hit the top of r/gaming. Supposedly it's a repost, but whatever, I haven't seen it. If OP would like to get in touch either to get credit, lay claim to the billions of dollars I expect this game to net, or hit me with a DMCA notice for ripping off his graphic assets, send me a line.

I had a couple of hours and Construct 2 just sitting in my Steam library begging to be used like a desperate 20-something with daddy issues. So, instead of constructively joining into a Game Jam event and making something that I could actually be proud of, I made this pile of poo.

Enjoy, don't enjoy, upvote, downvote, flame, complain, and carry on.

Update: 8/22/15, the Polished Turd Update
- Fixed bug with positioning of the secret weapon.
- Fixed a related bug with alignment of DED.
- Added a thing.
- Selection boxes now appear for items pasted in.